We are not perfect and we definitely know we are not the only couple having success with our marriage. Do not take this as bragging but being proud of a beautiful thing we have and can share the same experiences with our friends and family. Over the last 9 years of our time together we have spent money and time involving ourselves in personal development seminars, conferences, reading books and spending time with positive relationships. We have pulled these experiences together to create the marriage we have today. Please know that I am only sharing our experiences and what works for us, it may not be the thing for you, and that is okay. There is no financial gain in sharing any of these ideas or resources, just plain good ol’ information!
It seems over the past 13 years Adam and I have received a variety of compliments on our relationship together. At first people thought we were cute how “In Love” we were but now they are impressed and in awe of our “Honey Moon Phase” still in full effect after being together for 13 years. We have been told that others strive to have what we have and use our marriage as an example to work towards. It is very humbling that so many admire what we have and want to duplicate it. It’s not us they want to duplicate, it is what we do that they want to apply to their relationships. Never in my right mind, when I was young and innocent, did I think I would have the marriage that I have now.
I came from, what a lot of people come from these days, a broken family to the second power. My mom divorced when I was a little baby and experienced multiple marriages and divorces there after…granted my mom grew up in a pretty hostile environment and when you are not exposed to “what could be” you don’t have the tools to know “what should be”. My dad didn’t exactly have the healthiest marriage when he remarried either, but what can you do. Both are currently in much healthier situations and I am grateful for their changes! My mom is getting back on her feet, becoming the confident woman she is meant to be, without trying to depend on a man to get her through it and my dad is re-married to an incredible woman that brought out my real “papa” again! Unfortunately, I just didn’t get to see what a strong relationship meant and how to create it. Adam’s experience was much different than mine and has affected us in a very positive manner! His mom and dad have now been together over 4o years, through the thick and thin, here they are still happily married.
Our relationship began with talking, just talking for hours upon hours about every thing imaginable. We haven’t stopped talking ever since that night I told him I liked him with a little liquid courage…being the gentleman he is, he made me orange juice and quesadilla from his dorm room and let time clear my mind before he gave me the sweetest kiss imaginable. If there is anything I would zero in on as our “secret sauce”, this would be it. We have always talked about what we are excited about, our days, family, struggles, frustrations, news, everything really. But communicating is no secret, I know you know you are supposed to do it! Make the time to talk with each other. A lot of battles can be avoided if you just check in or if you just share what is going on in your life. No one has the ability to read minds…sometimes after 13 years we come pretty close but more so we are just used to how the other thinks…! If you feel like the air a little stuffy then do your part and start sharing. It is the best mental febreeze out there!!
Then there is the philosophy “You do not FALL IN love with a person otherwise you can FALL OUT of love with them” I am a romantic and I love the idea of the sappy love stories. I argued and argued with Adam at first but then it started to grow on me (no pun intended) and eventually the concept made total since! I gave into the logic. You don’t FALL in love with someone you GROW to love them! That spark that people are always looking for and they talk about in movies is really just the “lust” spark that initiates the attraction. We like to call it “Lust at First Sight!” Love is work, you have to work at it in order for it to work (I know, that’s a lot of “work” but it’s true)! Do we need that lust or that attraction, um…yeah! You should be attracted to your partner. It just can’t be the only reason you are together. To keep the love alive, keep working at it. If you slack off so will your feelings for each other.
Something we always consider is that both of us grew up with different experiences…different histories. Sometimes our histories involve how we learned to do every day activities, like brushing your teeth or how you stack the dishwasher. We attended a conference with the late Myles Munroe a few years ago and were impressed with his ideas. His concepts really resided within us, especially considering the reality of two histories combining to create a new story. Don’t let the little things like how someone eats cereal create a stirring angst in your stomach…it’s how they did it before you existed in their life. Instead talk to them about it and together create a solution. It’s not a character flaw, just a bad habit. You would be surprised how quickly we let one thing that annoys us grow into noticing many more things to “everything” bothering us and then all of a sudden we can’t stand this person we thought we loved so dearly! I have to admit it drives me crazy when Adam chews on his cuticles or on a pen, but it is not enough of a reason to ignore him at bed time. Instead, when things were going great, I would bring it up and offer solutions to what he could do instead and let him know how it makes me feel. He responds so much better when I let him know this way, not in the heat of the moment when I am utterly annoyed. Do we mess up here and there, of course. The other day I messed up in the disciplining process with our daughter and instead of waiting Adam tried to correct me right then and there instead of waiting. But we were able to express our feelings and how we would like the other person to approach us the matter and have corrected the process since then. We want to be productive with each other not destructive. We vowed to be life long partners, we’re in this together…it’s like that old saying “there is no “i” in team”, this applies to your marriage too! If you want more on his view on men and women and marriage in itself I recommend The Purpose and Power of Love & Marriage.
One philosophy that we really base the foundation of our relationship came from a book called His Needs Her Needs Building an Affair Proof Marriage. We started reading this book together because we were hearing the title recommended by many successful couples in totally different facets of our lives, ranging from authors like Jim Rohn to our good friends within a business circle. You read the book together and take turns listening and speaking. This way you really do have to listen to each other and you don’t get to interrupt each other. Actively listening, without worrying about what you are going to say next…you actually listen. The book really focuses on the fact that every person has needs to be met in order to be happy. These needs vary from person to person but they are still there. For a couple to be happy and thrive they must meet the needs of the other person. It cannot be just about one person in the marriage…that is why you are called a couple…there are TWO of you. If these needs are not met then they are met from other people or places that are no longer conducive to a marriage. It slowly becomes a slippery slope and when your needs aren’t met you stop meeting the needs of your sweet love. When Adam and I find ourselves a little tense with each other, we immediate ask the other person “What can I do for you that would help you feel better or be happy?” because we know there is a need not being met and that is why we are not connecting well. I have found myself grumbling to myself about cleaning the kitchen or picking up toys or how I feel like I do everything but then quickly realize…what am I talking about? This is crazy! Adam does so much!!! What am I missing or needing from him that isn’t helping. This self-reflection has brought me to realize what I need and can address this need with Adam as soon as possible. If you’re partner isn’t doing something you wish they would then maybe you should look at what you have or haven’t done for them that they need…We appreciate the philosophy so much that we share this book with other couples and gift it to them for their engagement. It is that good!
The last thing that I want to share that we take priority in applying in our relationship is how we talk about the other person when that person is not with us. Both men and women are so quick to complain about the other person when they are not there that it becomes a trend and everyone feels like they need to contribute to this partner bashing session. I agree that sometimes you need someone to share your frustrations and talk things through so you can go back home to solve a troublesome issue. We all need a little perspective…not a rally group. We both have found ourselves with a group of friends with nothing to say and in awe of all the crazy things (as in the minutia) people worry about. It becomes a contest almost with who has the worst experience to share with no solutions to better the situation just be frustrated. We laugh to ourselves because we find ourselves coming home from a girl’s night out or guy’s night out telling the other person “Wow! I really appreciate you and all that you do! You are amazing!” because we really do and if we allow ourselves to fall into that habit we will stop seeing the good in each other and only the bad.
So, there you have it. A little peak into the love and life of Adam and Laura. We still have so much room to grow but do so together, because we love each other and it is one of the greatest gifts we could ever give our daughters….an example to live by and apply when they are ready for serious relationships! I wish you and your partner the best and may you have all the success and love you allow yourself to have!
